i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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