These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
