Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
