the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He keeps bees of course he's weird
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
