Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
