Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
