Duck Duck Cougar?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
