You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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