is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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