My first STD was from a foam party
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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