i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
