Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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