You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
