so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
