my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
what day is it and did you see me today?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
