I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
