it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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