So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
