...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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