went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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