I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
