I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
