This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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