we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
