Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
