Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
