Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
