I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
