my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
