Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
