im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
