Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
