My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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