He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
