you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
