so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You ruined the universe
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
