Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
