if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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