The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
