I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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