I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
