i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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