so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
