im about as happy as oj after his trial
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
