I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
