it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
did i just pee glitter
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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