Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
