I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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