I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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