my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
