vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
